I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
