I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
