please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
