Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
