My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm bleeding and have questions
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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