theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
