Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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