I want to have your abortion
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
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We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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