"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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