Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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