Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I think my fart just growled at me.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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