he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
