If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
