everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
