I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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