For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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