What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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