I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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