You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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