What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
