after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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