Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
