mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
