I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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