Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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