I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
