Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
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