Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
