I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
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Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
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All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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