I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
