Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
