i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
