I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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