Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
