I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Do vagina's smell?
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
