see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
