If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
