her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
