a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
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How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
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What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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