I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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