I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
