I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
