Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
