apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
