Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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