so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
COCAINE IS GR8
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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