My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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