I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
