i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
