I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
