first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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