He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize