Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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