I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
