i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
