He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
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Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
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so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.