I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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