there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
