watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
