If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
We named our party play list daddy issues
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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