I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
