he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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