omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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