genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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