Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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